someone owes me an orgasm
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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