i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
