come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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