I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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