Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
