If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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