Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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