omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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