Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
