My nipple is on Facebook.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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