I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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