oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
