I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
