I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
