true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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