You're my little dorito
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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