3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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