this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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