I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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