The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
