My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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