I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
