Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If I die, sorry about rent.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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