So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
