my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
