During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
