The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
