yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
