it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Found the puke drawer
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
