Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
