I met the friendliest cop last night
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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