I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
