our cab driver is having phone sex.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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