i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
