Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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