I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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