remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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