hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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