I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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