I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
