i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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