textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
