I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
