Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
