Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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