I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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