at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
