just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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