btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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