My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
