I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
