woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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