I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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