Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
